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DEVOTION

de·vo·tion
dəˈvōSH(ə)n/
noun.
1.) Love, loyalty, or enthusiasm for a person, activity
synonyms: loyalty, faithfulness, fidelity, constancy, commitment, adherence,allegiance, dedication.

2.) Religious worship or observance.
synonyms: devoutness, piety, religiousness, spirituality, godliness, holiness, sanctity
“a life of devotion”

3.) Prayers or religious observances.

Devotion. What does that mean to me? What does it mean to you?

As a Catholic I thought I had an idea; but the edges have blurred and I’ve been left to define it for myself.

This is an interesting time of year.
It’s ripe with the energy of endings; and new beginnings.
Deaths and re-births —— figuratively and literally.

We can practice our devotion inside this energy of change with Easter, Passover, the full moon, eclipses, and all other assortments of ancient and new age cosmic rites of passage.

Take me for instance; I am sitting as I write this, in a pew, basking in the warm glow of stained glass, inside of St. John The Baptist De La Salle Catholic Church— the church I grew up in — the church of my youth.

The one where I whiled away hour after hour of my childhood.
Some in innocent devotion, kneeling with sweaty little girl hands piously folded together, fervently praying my little girl prayers and later, in a pre-pubescent stupor, stifling yawns during my eight years there in the late sixties, early seventies.

Now, I’ve gotta tell ya, this retired Catholic is finding it…surreal to be back here, and I have to make this snappy.

I could spontaneously combust if the powers-that-be realize I’m here, or the light from that stained glass baby Jesus hits me just right.

All kidding aside, recently my Catholic roots have been calling me. Their siren’s song running lightly in the background of my life.

It all started when I began burning Frankincense incense in the mornings. I attempted subconsciously to counteract its effects by simultaneously playing a Buddhist chant, with mixed results — that smell to me, still to this day signals Lent.
Then I noticed, lo and behold it is exactly that time of year. Hmmmm…

That smell transports me back to Stations Of The Cross, a ritual of remembrance of the worst day in the life of Jesus Christ.

As a little girl I loved rituals.
The smells, the cool, dimly lit ambiance, the notes played on the organ that resonated inside my chest and head, and the drone of the priest’s voice. They all conspired to “send me” to another place and time. (still do).

As I write this there is an actual organ rehearsal happening right this minute. Sending me…

Yet, even as that devout little girl I had a hard time wrapping my brain around commemorating the days leading up to someone’s horrible, torturous, barbaric death and THAT little kernel of doubt right there started my life as a seeker.

Devotion as religious observance.
I sat with my dearly departed father Friday in another church much closer to my home, (that now makes it twice in one week, a personal record as an adult).

We sat together devoutly, he with his invisible hand on my knee to keep me from bolting during Stations Of The Cross, the first one I’ve sat throughout since eighth grade. It was faster and much…dryer than I remembered.

And no fragrance of frankincense — a crushing disappointment.

Still, I sat with my dad on the tenth anniversary of his passing; in church; during Lent; and only one of us made it out alive…barely.

I’ll tell anyone I did it for him, but truth be told, that experience was calling ME.

Devotion.  

To others?  To a practice?  To a cause? 

I think we can all relate to that.

How about…

Devotion as Love and loyalty, enthusiasm for a person or an activity.

To tradition.

To family , friends and matters of the heart.

To times past.

To ritual.

To the planet.

To sacred places; temples, sanctuaries, churches, nature, Sephora, the bakery.

To whatever sends you and floats your boat.

To kindness and courage.

To mala beads, crystals, chanting, yoga and meditation.

To ancient childhood memories resurfacing.

To triggers; Smells. Sounds. People.

I’m getting a bit misty eyed over here.
It must be a combination of the lousy organ music (he just needs more practice), and fact that my fifty-seven year old butt is currently seated on the same hard wooden bench that my innocently sweet, but always questioning, seven-year old butt sat.

Devotion to change.
I used to believe that religion and spirituality were mutually exclusive.
One told you no, the other said… perhaps.

Call it old age, or just a general unclenching of the fists that happens naturally over time; but I’m finding myself more and more belonging to Team Meh where our motto is: “Well, that’s not my thing — but good for you!”

Devotion to Neutrality or I’m in a Switzerland State of Mind
Daily I struggle with judgement. I know, it’s just me.
I’m striving to be for more things than I’m against.

I feel like after this week I can move the Catholic religion to my neutral list. At last!

Some people hang out in groovy cafes and write.
I sit weeping in Catholic Churches.

Who knows what’s next?

Can you explain devotion? What are you devoted to, I’d love to know.

Happy Easter & Passover my loves,
Xox

Love, lust or any other addiction.

It hijacks the brain and its ability to reason, the mouth and it’s ability to bargain, a vagina for obvious reasons; and is apparently able to override a fear of heights.

In the mid eighties I left my husband. We had a perfectly lovely life — just absolutely NO sexual chemistry…and I wanted some. BAD.

I read about it in books. I saw it in the movies. I dreamt of it and fantasized about it; this elusive beast, and being that I was in my twenties, I was damned if I was going to live a life without it.

Cut to: 1985 — Sharing a dive apartment in drug infested hookerville, with my little sister who had just left our father’s cushy home to find her way out from under his thumb and forge her own independence.

It was Flashdance meets Friends —  only without the great clothes, the sexy dancing and the killer apartment.

My sister had moved a saltwater fish tank up two flights of stairs only to have the summer be so fucking Africa hot on the second floor; in the Valley; with no air conditioning; that even after trying to cool it off with trays of ice cubes — eventually all the fish cooked.

Later, after she’d emptied most the water and cleaned the green slime off the glass, and since we had no entertainment budget, we organized races with little plastic wind up swimmers from the novelty stores on Ventura Boulevard.  Frogs, Snorkelers, a fat man in an inner tube whose legs furiously tread water; even an alligator doing the backstroke.

These were real races. Beers were guzzled. Bets were placed. Money may have exchanged hands.

I’m telling’ ya it was the wild west inside that toasty little shit-hole with the sticky green shag carpet in North Hills.

After the Feds shut down the toy races, we floated three basket balls in the tank.
It was art.

Speaking of art, one morning when I was getting my fried, I mean permed, blonde hair nice and Bon-Jovi gigantic, my blow dryer gave out from exhaustion. The eighties were a rough time for blowdryers…and hairspray. My sister and I could go though a case a week.

Anyway, my blow dryer started throwing blue sparks, and inside of a small unventilated bathroom full of Sebastian Hair Fix fumes, well, the whole apartment could have ignited — blowing us all to kingdom come.

Since only half my head was coiffed, I finished with my sister’s very upscale blow dryer and hung my little flame thrower from a plant hook in the corner of the dining room.

At night we would turn off all the lights and plug it in; then sit and watch that thing shoot blue sparks into the air — because it was art.

It was beautiful and dangerous art. We just had to be diligent about keeping our hair a safe distance away.

How we’re not both dead is beyond me.

Which leads me to the window in my room.
It was rectangular, running from floor to ceiling and was narrow, about the width of an average person. Because it was so freakin’ hot, even with my fear of heights, I would sit on a towel (there was no way I was going to let my ass touch that disgusting carpet) next to the window at night and read, paint my toe nails or talk on the phone.

I talked on the phone a lot.

You see, I had fallen hard for a much younger boy/man who had lived with us for one glorious summer and then gone off to college (yes, that young). I pined for him something awful, so we’d talk on the phone late into the night, he from Cal State Long Beach and me in front of that window, smoking cigarettes, searching for a breeze.

That window became like a portal.
All sorts of weird shit happened around that window.
It just so happens that there was a street light directly below, one of the few in the hood that hadn’t been blown out. I always tried to park my car under that light, you know, for safety, although thinking back I’m not sure why I bothered. Anything valuable had been stolen off of, or out of, my piece of shit Mazda within the first month we lived there. Parked under the street light — in full view of that window.

Late one hot summer night, the three of us were startled awake by the sound of shouting and car engines. Of course we went to the window to see what was up. My sister soon joined us, all the noise had woken her up but she couldn’t see the activity from her uneventful, non portal window.

Our three sleepy, middle-of-the-night faces were now wide awake and fascinated,  silently poised right above all the action as we watched more and more police cars surround a vehicle with two men inside. Soon a police canine unit and tow truck joined the crowd. “Drug bust” my boy-toy whispered.

We watched for hours as they carefully and methodically stripped the car down to its skeleton. The seats, the dash, the inside liner — they had this down to a science.

We got snacks; we took potty breaks; all the while staying quiet enough to be eyewitnesses to a potential drug bust. Then, just as we were beginning to lose interest, and it seemed as if the drugs didn’t exist, we heard a cop yell, like they do on TV, “Bingo!” and fifty cops descended onto the metal frame, like ants at a picnic. There it was, bag after bag of some illegal substance, hidden in the dark recesses of that car’s guts. They hauled the two guys away and it was all over, as if it had never happened — in fifteen minutes.

Yeah, I know, great neighborhood. Not really, it was the site of drug deals, used condoms and hookers, Oh My!

Another evening, as I waited for my sister to get home with pumpkin pie (we both worked at Vons at the time, so we’d call the one who was working late, right before their shift was over, with junk food cravings), I was sitting next to the window, writing a letter to my beloved — yes, with paper and a pen — when I thought I heard moaning.

Now, moaning was a regular occurrence in our apartment. We had a couple with a very active sex life that shared a wall. She was a moaner and he had white-boy rhythm as evidenced by the intermittent, uncoordinated frenzy of headboard banging that used to make us howl with laughter.

But this moaning sounded different — like a wounded animal.
I turned down the TV that was always on to keep me company; and listened. Just below the window was a balled up something on the dead, dried up grass under the street light.

I decided to investigate.

I put on my dime store flip-flops, took my keys to the security gates with me, and walked down two flights of stairs to the street below. It was just slightly cooler outside than inside the apartment but still around eighty degrees — an Indian Summer night in the Valley.

As I slowly closed the gate by hand behind me so it wouldn’t slam (a habit), I could still hear a low moaning. Walking slowly toward the street light, I still couldn’t figure out who or what was there. It was rolled up tight into the fetal position, small; like a dog… or a child? I remember it was beige, the color of skin. Could it be a person?

“Hello?…are you okay?” I ventured closer.

“Do you need…” I screamed and reflexively jumped back.

“Oh my God…” I kept backing away slowly, terrified and unsure of what to do.”I’m, I’m, I’m going upstairs to call 911!”

Her face (I didn’t know it was a woman until later), looked up at me, toward the sound of my voice. Her ear was missing, replaced by shredded skin. I knew she couldn’t see me, her eyes were purple and swollen shut, and her face didn’t resemble anything human. It looked like a hideous Halloween mask.

I ran so fast I flew out of my flip-flops.

No such thing as cell phones in those days, so I sprinted back up to the apartment, made eerie by the juxtaposition of the TV laugh track and the scene on the street below as I dialed 911. The phone was on the floor in front of the window and I watched her like a hawk the whole time. I was shaking so hard it took me three tries to dial 911 correctly.

A squad car pulled up before I even had a chance to speak. I hung up, turned off all the lights in the room and watched from my second story perch as they slowly, cautiously, got out of the car and walked toward her. One cop poked her with a stick and when she moved and looked at up them — even they flinched. The other cop was calling it in as his partner crouched down to talk to her. The paramedics and a fire truck were there in minutes and I watched, nervously biting my nails, from my dark window as they took her pulse, assessed her injuries, loaded her almost totally naked body onto a gurney and took her away. My sister got home just about that time, “What’s all the commotion down there?” she asked.
It took me a minute to gain my composure. “I’ll tell you over pie” I replied.

As the story goes, and I can’t quite recall how we got this information; the woman was a regular at one of the local dive bars peppered throughout our neighborhood. The drunker she got the more she bragged about getting a big bonus at work. As she bought round after round of drinks, she exposed a thick wad of bills that was like fresh meat to the low-life wolves at the bar. Apparently, as she walked to her car, under the safety of the street light, two of the animals beat her in order to get her purse (which she fought to keep, ladies, don’t ever do that, just let them have it). She fought so hard they practically pulled her clothes off — both of her hands sustained multiple fractures. The last I heard she was hospitalized with a cracked skull, and in need of massive plastic surgery.

It happened right under my window, under the street light, and I never heard a thing.

Why didn’t we move?

Last but not least is the story about the time I jumped out that window. That second story window. To chase after a boy.

“I loved him somethin’ awful” If someone says that, believe them…it was awful.

I had, at long last, found me some chemistry. It burned hot, and was highly combustible, constantly boiling over like those science experiments gone awry.
My whole body was on fire. I was consumed by lust which I was calling love, because honestly, I didn’t know any better.
My brain went offline.
My mouth said things that still, to this day, make me cringe. It bargained and begged.
I was reduced to a writhing pile of pheromones and sex organs. He was a beautiful disaster.

When this boy/man said he had to leave after spending three days straight in bed with me; well, I went a little berserk. I couldn’t see my way clear of the crazy.
I stumbled to the window over the dirty dishes, coffee cups, bags of chips and piles of clothes that had surrounded and sustained us that entire weekend.

It was over and he had to go back — to school — cringe.

I heard his car pull away as I got a running start and literally flew, in one giant leap, through the screen and out that portal/ window without thinking.

“Noooooooooooooo! Don’t go!” I screamed in mid-air. The large rectangular screen made it to the ground first in a twisted mess. I managed to clear a shrub and stick a nice tuck-n-roll landing, but that still didn’t bring me to my senses.

It’s amazing I wasn’t hurt; clearly people that stupid are indestructible — That does not bode well for the gene pool.

My screaming continued to echo outside and around the block.

“Don’t leave, not yet!” I got up as fast as I could and ran out into the street, where I could barely see his tail lights at the corner.

“Waaaaaait!!!!!” I wailed at the top of my lungs and sprinted as fast as could after his car and out of my flip-flops (what is the deal with that?)

I’d obviously lost my sanity and my shoes, and now I was losing my voice but it didn’t matter, I continued to scream his name at the top of my lungs until I saw him pull into the Seven Eleven parking lot around the block — the one just before the entrance to the 405 freeway.

When I saw his face I knew I’d gone too far.
Who was I? What had come over me?
I was bent over, trying to catch my breath while he sat in his car looking stunned.

When I could finally manage to speak all I could say was, “I’m sorry…I just…this is so NOT sexy; right?”

He shook his head slowly, got out of the car, gave me a mediocre hug, got back in the car and drove away.

As I took the slow walk of shame back to the apartment I could see the crumpled screen lying dead on the sidewalk, but there was no sign of my flip-flops.
Someone; some other size seven; had stolen them while I’d made a fool of myself — chasing after a man in a car — barefoot — for no good reason other than addiction.

That stunt shocked me…finally!

To say it was not my proudest moment is an understatement.

I learned so much about myself that day; what I was capable of, how, if I let my vagina make all the decisions I could really get hurt since in her narrow-minded focus on chasing desire, she had little regard for my personal safety — and that we needed to get the hell out of that apartment.

It changed me, I started thinking about self worth, boundaries and personal responsibility so that nothing even remotely like that would happened again.

I blame that fucking portal/window.

Okay. So who here hasn’t done a crazy-ass window jump in one form or another in their life — show of hands? Uh huh, I thought so.

Tell me about it below.

Carry on,

xox

Oh don’t you get all high and mighty on me.

Like you’ve never thought this…or something worse!

Listen, I got an email from a reader, Lisa, who commented on my swearing (she liked the fact that I talked, and these are her words: like a real person), and asked me as someone with a spiritual blog, if I ever lost my temper with people and flipped them off or cursed at them.

Uh…yeah.

Lisa, first of all I think its darling that you aren’t sure about that. Have you met me?
I’m human, with all the faults, flaws and bird-flipping that guarantees.
Lisa, still in doubt, check this out:
http://www.theobserversvoice.com/2014/12/no-amount-of-shitty-is-worth-sacrificing-a-whole-day/

As this blog  has progressed over the years, I starting asking myself: Self, why are you writing this?  And the answer was simple. Because most of the spiritual wisdom that had been around for years has been pretty damn dry and the people who write it sound like living saints; tempers in check, always making the right choices, with no mis-steps or mistakes to speak of.

Well, I don’t know about you all, but that’s not me.

When I talk I use the word fuck –– often. So when I write, it sneaks in. Also shit and assbite and all the other splendid, wildly descriptive words that spellcheck attempts to change to something more docile.

I’m not making excuses, I can’t stand excuses, but if I were –– It’s probably from working around men all my life, I’ve written about living my thirties as a man, and one of side effects is a mouth like a sailor.
http://www.theobserversvoice.com/2014/06/the-gender-of-champions/

It is never my intent to offend anyone, but I write what I know and I’ve gotta be who I am.
I figure if someone logs on and is horrified by my language, or the content or even a graphic about a chair in the face –– they’re not my people and they’ll just move along.

The bottom line is this you guys: You can have a forty-year (gulp –– fuck I’m old) meditation practice, read every spiritual book you can get your hands on, Om and chant and stand on your head, and still have a bad day inside this glorious human life we all have the privilege of living.

And as for the F-bombs? Well, I think I’m okay –– unless God has one of those cursing jars that require you to contribute a dollar for every swear word. If that’s the case –– I’m screwed.

I hope that answers your question Lisa, and thanks for reading!

Carry on you salty dogs,
xox

Carry on-
Love you guys!

“Why can’t these guys just like me for who I am?” I lamented, picking at the appropriate numbing agent for 1:30 on a Tuesday afternoon –– a Joan’s On Third, gooey chocolate brownie.

I had posed the question to a girlfriend sitting across from me. The married one. The one I always whined to after the latest, greatest, guy proved NOT to be “the one”.
This time however, the answer I heard did not come from her. She was distracted, looking away.

No, this voice had wisdom, gravitas, and rumbled with authority –– think Bea Arthur.

“It’s because you are never yourself with them.”

“What? What did you say? What do you mean?” I stopped my yammering mid brownie, suddenly feeling exposed. Self consciously I started looking around at the tables nearby; had someone been eavesdropping at my pity party?

“Do you see any Splenda? I need some Splenda for my coffee.”
My friend was twisted in her seat, distracted; more interested in doctoring her drink than solving my latest dating dilemma.
Suddenly, after spotting the sweetener, she was up with a determined focus, bolting to the cream and sugar station situated by the beverage pickup.

It was clear I was hearing things. “Oh great, now I’ve lost my mind” I mumbled, loosing my appetite, pushing the brownie full of divots away from me with one hand, while excavating the chocolate underneath the fingernails of the other with my teeth.

I stayed another five minutes and then excused myself, racing home. My friend was lost in her decaf, no foam, extra milk latte, A.D.D., and I was figuring it would be better to be freed of my faculties in a less public venue.

With my Whoa Is Me – Greatest Hits tape running on its endless loop inside my head, the question came up again and again on the drive home.

“I’m a good person. Why can’t these guys ever just like me for me?” Just like most rhetorical questions it was directed at no one in particular.

“Would you rather seek to love – or be loved?” Bea was back.

“Wait, no fair!” I called foul. “You can’t answer a question with a question, let alone a trick one. Besides, I need to think about this…let me get back to you… um, over and out” I figured that’s how you let the voice in your head, (the one that was now asking the tough questions) know that the conversation would have to wait. There was traffic on Laurel Canyon and I needed to pay attention.

Later that night, as I lay in Savasana, completely rung out toward the end of a Yoga class; Bea, being the ultimate opportunist, decided that moment was the perfect time to pick up where we had left off.

“Well? What did you decide? Would you rather seek love, or seek to be loved? You can’t say ‘both’ because they are inherently different.”

“Shit! That was going to be my answer. Okay… shoot…I seek to be loved” I replied, flipping a mental coin, hoping I’d guessed the right answer.

“How do you go about accomplishing that?” she pressed on.

“I just try to be the best version of me. I put my best foot forward. It’s all about first impressions you know” I was getting annoyed with my pushy new imaginary friend.

“No, you’re putting your false foot forward. You are never the best version of you, you are the version you think THEY want you to be –– so they will love you.”

Ouch. And holy shit. Apparently Bea’s was a voice that told you the truth. The hard truth, the things your best friends were too afraid to say to your face.

“You have reinvented yourself over and over again, trying to fit a certain expectation. You’ve never truly just been YOURSELF.” Okay Bea, you can shut up now.

But she went on, her voice an insistent rumble.
“There is no power in seeking love. You have no control over the other person, what they do, what they think. You’re not even sizing them up, to see if they’re a good fit for YOU. Besides, it is unsustainable, which leaves you tap dancing as fast as you can, forever seeking to be loved.”

My heart felt like someone and just finished target practice. Damn her!

I rolled up my mat, stowed my blanket, all the while fighting back tears.

Yoga does that to you. It opens your heart and makes you weepy. But so do blabbermouth, truth telling disembodied voices.

My soggy eyes stuck to the ground, avoiding the teacher’s gaze as I silently made my way to the parking lot.

On the ride home I gave Bea the silent treatment. I was angry. What gave her the right to see me so clearly and to talk to me that way?

As the days wore on I felt transparent, vulnerable, and hurt –– often all at the same time. But one thing had become crystal clear, and I didn’t even want to admit it to myself…Bea was right.

During that time I remembered a favorite quote from the Bhagavad Gita, the ancient Indian text, “It is better to live your own life imperfectly than to lead a perfect imitation of someone else’s life.” which was now taking on a whole new, very personal meaning.

“You can seek to love” it was barely a whisper.

9 p.m. I had just finished meditating, trying to find my balance. About a week had passed. I guess Bea was taking my emotional temperature, waiting to see if it was safe to start another dialogue.

Bea had balls.

Feeling mellow and a bit woozy from the meditation, I decided to answer her.

“And what does THAT look like?” I still had an edge.

“It feels empowering” her voice this time was softer, gentler.
“It feels open, expansive, like choices and freedom. If you can love without expectation, seeking nothing in return, you will get all that you desire.”

“That sounds too good to be true.”

“Oh, it’s true. And it is good and simple – but it isn’t easy. There is risk involved, I’m not going to lie. It requires vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency. All the feelings you experienced this week. You got hurt — but you didn’t die. And you learned something about yourself.”

Bea was right. About that and so many other things.

She will always be my voice of reason, the one I am so lucky to connect with when I am unable to drown out all of the others.
She speaks to me when I get off course, in her deep growling but compassionate voice –– of love. Nope, no stock tips, no lottery numbers, not even any fashion advice.

Only love –– because seriously, isn’t that all that really matters?

Carry on,
xox

*This is a list written by Alex Sandra Myles published in the Elephant Journal this week – it’s about love – I like it. I had to restrain myself from highlighting every line.

Do you have anything to add?
Happy Sunday Loves!
Xox

1. When it arrives, cherish it.

2. Whatever you accept, you will get.

3. Understand that love is a mirror—it will show us who we are if we allow it to.

4. Only we can make ourselves happy, it is not the other person’s responsibility.

5. Don’t say words with the intent to hurt.

6. Accept and forgive easily.

7. Don’t be scared to disagree, it is healthy.

8. Never be too busy for each other.

9. Do not punish.

10. Accept honest criticism, it is good for us.

11. Admit when you are wrong, quickly.

12. Support each other when the going gets tough.

13. Live in the moment—be present.

14. Leave the past where it belongs.

15. Leave drama out of it.

16. Don’t try to control.

17. Allow a small amount of jealousy.

18. Don’t use comparisons.

19. Celebrate differences.

20. Communicate openly and honestly.

21. Listen very carefully.

22. Don’t judge.

23. Don’t manipulate to get results.

24. Learn and grow.

25. Don’t try to change each other.

26. Don’t condemn each other’s family and friends.

27. Lines, flaws and imperfections are beautiful.

28. Trust your instincts, but don’t be paranoid.

29. Don’t compromise your morals and values and don’t expect them to either.

30. Instead of power, aim for balance.

31. Space is needed to breathe and to grow.

32. Accept that you are both unique—never compare.

33. Have fun, laugh and play—a lot.

34. Be each other’s best friend.

35. Don’t play mind games.

36. Do not carelessly throw away love.

37. Don’t waste energy with negative thoughts.

38. Compliment often.

39. Discover each other.

40. Be attentive and understand what’s not said.

41. Do at least one romantic and thoughtful thing every day.

42. Take picnics and sleep under the stars.

43. Don’t just speak about it, show love.

44. Walk together, cook together, bathe together, read together.

45. Do not be afraid, love requires surrender.

46. Be loyal and faithful.

47. Trust.

48. Be grateful.

49. Fluidity is good, accept change.

50. Don’t sleep on a fight.

51. Don’t cling to it, know when to let go.

52. Discover what turns you both on and explore it.

53. Make love, but also f*ck (regularly).

54. Give and receive without measure.

55. Never gamble with what you can’t afford to lose.

Xox

I realize this post could be polarizing. It could upset people.
What upsets me is the fact that because of your age, many of you may not even know who Monica Lewinsky is!

“Public shaming as a blood sport has to stop.”

“Show of hands – who has regrets from their days as a twenty-two-year-old?”

“At the age of twenty-two I fell in love with my boss…”

These are just a few quotes from Monica Lewinsky’s recent TED talk.

I had read the Vanity Fair article, but I was curious;
what did she have to say for herself now as a woman in her forties?

I found her talk articulate, fascinating, and thought-provoking.

Like many at the time, I’m ashamed to say I had judged her as a doe-eyed, beret-wearing bimbo, who during a lapse of better judgment, trusted a “friend”, and neglected to get that freakin’ blue dress to the cleaners…then lived to regret it.

I drank the kool-aid of popular opinion.

As I watched her speak I have to say, I was awash in contradictory emotions. I found myself feeling sorry for her, yet what surprised me were my overriding feelings of empathy and pride. I was damn proud of her. Yes, that’s right, I said it.

She’s had the audacity to pick her head up and speak out.

How long do we punish ourselves for our mistakes and missteps?
Ten years? Twenty? A lifetime?

Are we allowed to re-write our narratives? Start over and reinvent ourselves using all our gained wisdom and insight?

Watch the video and then…
You tell me.

Carry on,
Xox

One night a couple of weeks ago, my husband went into the lab for a sleep study.

It wasn’t all about the snoring so much as the ceasing to breathe (apnea). He gasps for breath like a fish out of water, and when the loud gasping wakes me up — well that shit has got to stop,

I can’t afford to sacrifice one moment of my beauty rest.

Seriously, apnea can cause a whole myriad of health issues — including death — which we all have to agree is the ultimate side effect—so he packed up his pillow and jammies and spent the night at the lab.

“You are one of the worst cases this lab has ever studied,” his doctor exclaimed, barely hiding her surprise as she read the report. “You wake up on average, thirty-seven times an hour! In other words, you get absolutely NO rest!”

She promptly wrote a prescription for one of those sexy CPAP machines, assuring him that it will “change his life.”

I know she’s right — I see a change in his sex life coming real soon.

That night when he got home he couldn’t stop yawning.
“I’m sooooo tired. You know; I get absolutely NO rest” he said, shooting me a zombie-eyed look as he stifled another yawn.

Two hours later, after yawning and complaining his way through dinner, I couldn’t hold back any longer. “Damn, you sure are suggestible,” I teased. “You felt fine until she told you weren’t getting any sleep, now look at you.”

He grinned sheepishly, “I know, right?”

I may know a thing or two about suggestibility.

I am NOT allowed to read the side effects that come with a prescription drug because I cannot be trusted from that moment on to feel anything legitimate.

If it says may cause constipation –– I won’t poop for a week.

May cause drowsiness –– I lapse into a coma.

If it lists depression or psychotic episodes –– I start hearing voices.

The same goes for Web MD.
It is my belief that no one without a medical degree should be allowed to log onto that site!

A few years back, that very same husband met me one morning in the kitchen doubled over, holding his side and wincing in pain. Seems he was up all night self-diagnosing his affliction with the help of the internet, and by morning they’d both agreed –– he had all the symptoms of appendicitis.

Ever the perfect, caring and sensitive wife –– I called bullshit.

“Oh sure you do. Come on, it’s just gas. Buck up and take an Alka Seltzer and quit being such a baby.”

In this case, I was wrong. He had to have an emergency appendectomy later on that night.

But my argument still stands!

Don’t read that shit, especially late at night or your headache will morph into a brain tumor in a matter of hours.

Trust me on this.

She felt amazing…until they told her she was sick…

I’m a firm believer that doctors should forget about their malpractice insurance for a minute and neglect to tell a patient the downside, the side effects, and the survival rate.

Most people are just too damn suggestible (myself included.) That information goes in their ears, bangs around in their brains, fires up all of the fear receptors, and then sets up shop up there—and becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

My father was told that people with his stage of lung cancer had about eighteen months and by God, he kept that appointment with death. Shit dad; it was an educated guess, not a directive from the main office.

Studies have shown that men are the worst. They will obediently mark it on their sub-conscious calendars.

How about if we all agree to attach our hopes to only the positive suggestions; otherwise known as The Placebo Effect—Things work out for the best because we BELIEVE that to be true. 

They feel more like a hopeful heart flutter than a gut-punch.

That procedure doesn’t hurt a bit.

Owning a pet helps you live longer.

Sex can be counted as cardio.

It isn’t only diet and exercise that keeps you healthy, it’s a positive state of mind.

This bug only 24 hours, you’ll feel better by the morning.

Coffee is good for you.

Red wine keeps cancer at bay…

Blonds have more fun.

Those are the yummy suggestions that we should let set up shop in our brains and become a prophesy fulfilled –– not the drama and dreck the fear hands us.

Agreed?

Carry On,
xox

*Hey peeps,
Same day, different year!
I wrote this essay last year and well, it’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it!
Love ya!

It’s my birthday today.
Yep, another year older, I’m game for that; it is better than the alternative.

Once upon a long time ago, a wise man told me that it’s very important to meditate on the day of your birth and to set an intention for the year to follow.

He also told me a story that I swallowed hook, line and sinker, and it went something like: Either the night before, or the night of your birth, you go before a council, in your dreams. You then state your case as to the reasons why you should be allowed to remain on the planet for another year.

What will you add?

What mark will you leave?

Will you move further toward your purpose, or stay asleep?

When he explained that to me over coffee and a huge dose of conviction –– I took it very seriously…and I still do.

I used to look around at the people who appeared to just be marking time, figuring their council session probably didn’t go so well. Until I realized, someone could be wondering that about me. Everyone’s entitled to have an off-year, right?

The older I get, the more I understand that this is not a dry run. This is the real deal.

You’ve gotta try your damnedest to find out why you’re here, and then get on with it.

What do you think you last told the council?

That you’re going to spend another year at that dead-end job, or in that abusive, loveless marriage?

That you’re not going to take that trip you’ve always dreamed about…again?

That you’re not going to take any chances…you’ll be sitting on the sidelines, playing it safe again this year?

How would that go over with them? I’m thinkin’ not so good.

We may be given some slack in our twenties, ’cause we’re newbies, but by now, we had better make a hell of a case for walking the planet for another 365 days.

I only get the privilege of being me this one time around. I’m not looking at blowing it.

Maybe I stood before the council last night, or maybe it will be tonight. Doesn’t matter. I’m prepared, notes in hand, maybe even a PowerPoint presentation, my intention set.

I plan on kicking some serious butt this year.
Wish me luck.

Xox