love

The claim was denied.
Then it wasn’t.
Then the insurance wanted to pay me $10,000 to settle.
They sent a letter basically patting me on the head and sending their best wishes
On my “fresh new start”.
I was advised not to settle, and I didn’t.

The 100 year old pipe that ruptured was called a “trunk line”.
It is 6ft in diameter and carries water from the reservoir into the city.
That night, I was told by a DWP official, 30,000 gallons a MINUTE
had burst through the asphalt and formed a flash flood that took out my store.
It took them over 6 hours to turn the water off! 
DWP said to have my lawyer file the paperwork, 
and they would get back to me in a year and a half.
After all, they were busy, they were having water-main breaks almost daily.

Days turned to weeks, weeks to months.

Now, I know life isn’t fair.
I once had a snarky t-shirt that said something to that effect.
But I did everything right, and I trusted the system.
I carried the big insurance policy, with the giant monthly premium,
I kept meticulous records.
I had every receipt.
My books were completely transparent,
But somehow that wasn’t good enough.

Somewhere the tables had turned and I was the villain in this drama.
I somehow had a direct line to God, and arraigned for a flood to come and
wipeout my store because business wasn’t great.
It was 2009.
Lehman Brothers, Washington Mutual Bank and Circuit City
were among the over 200 big businesses to file bankruptcy that year.
They could have just asked God for a flood and saved themselves a lot of trouble.

After 18 months it was clear, I had to lawyer up to get any real money from the insurance company AND DWP. Oh yeah, and a third one because my landlord was suing me for every dime of back rent.

Realization number one:
Well, life isn’t fair is number one, so…

Realization number two:
Insurance will do ANYTHING …NOT to pay you.
They will drag their feet, and lie and be just awful.
And that surprised me.

Realization number three:
You still have to pay all the bills on a flooded, cut up, closed business.
No slack…no kidding.
That STILL gives me a stomach ache.

Realization number four:
Next time ask God for a fire.

It’s feeling pretty Epic Fail right about now, isn’t it?

Xox Janet 
(To be continued)

The second miracle occurred during cleanup.
We were about four days in.
The mud had been cleaned up, but the floors, walls and windows and merchandise, were still covered with a layer of smelly slime
We covered our faces with those cloth masks, and plugged on.
Oh yeah, did I mention it was over 100 degrees!

This was the day I was told that the walls of the building had to be cut open up to 5 feet in order to air them out and avoid the dreaded mold.
I don’t know why that hit me so hard, but it did, and I went outside and sat and cried while the sawzall carved up my beautiful little store.
This felt serious…and sad.

Gary came outside and put his arm around me, and we sat silently watching 
the carnage.
When he finally did say something, he asked me if I wanted to go in and box up the things in the bathroom storage closets that hadn’t gotten wet.
Since the walls would be wide open, someone could potentially get inside and 
help themselves to whatever was left behind, so he suggested I go take a look.
I think he also just wanted to keep me busy, so he didn’t have to look at my big, sad, soggy face.

The bathroom was pitch dark, as I poked around in the back closets with a box and a garbage bag, waiting for my eyes to adjust.
It felt weird to me to be salvaging windex, paper towels and toilet cleaner.
It occurred to me I could just leave it for the salvage crew.
I was numb, just going through the motions, trying not to feel too much.

Tucked in the back was a box of Tampons with the top torn off.
All my good customers knew it was there.
I would occasionally bring a handful from home to refill it.
All the women reading this know what I’m talking about.
There were several left in the box, so I tucked them into my pocket,
and tossed the empty box in the garbage bag.
But it wasn’t empty. There was something heavy that was sliding around the bottom of the box as it hurtled toward the trash.

I reached inside and pulled out the expensive watch my husband had given me for our 5th anniversary.
I stood there in the dark, the hair stood up on the back of my neck, and I started to shake, then I started to scream!

That watch had been ” missing” for about 2 years.
My husband had just recently mentioned how disappointed he was that I hadn’t found it yet.
We both knew I wasn’t someone who lost my jewelry.
In my previous life as a jeweler, I had worn the watch a lot.
But since opening the store, it seemed too fancy, and I only took it out of the safe for special occasions. 
I NEVER wore it to the store.
One day I had gone into the safe to get it…and it was gone.

Did I mention I found the watch on September 9th?
Our anniversary is September 9th.
The missing watch had mysteriously appeared after 2 years,
on a sad but significant day, in an impossible place.
It was a sign.
Don’t lose hope.
Miracles occur.
I couldn’t call my husband fast enough.

XoxJanet
( to be continued)

The dictionary defines a miracle as 
a surprising and welcome event that is not explicable by natural or scientific laws and is therefore considered to be the work of a divine agency.
I’ll agree with that.
A miracle also makes your hair stand on end and your heart beat faster,
Or a least it does that to me!

The first miracle occurred not too long after I arrived at my store to find it
ankle deep in a slimy, sludgy, mud, which was the lovely parting gift the flood had left me.
I was walking around in circles with my mouth hanging open.
Oh…
I mean I was professionally assessing the damage.
You really do go numb, like the people say on the evening news when something
awful has just happened to them. You CANNOT believe it is happening to you!

The file cabinet behind my desk had filled with water, so I was peeling 
apart my insurance papers to find the number to call, to get the adjuster here quick!
This was 6:30 am the Sunday of Labor Day weekend.
Good luck with that!
When I did finally reach him, he said he was away for the weekend and he would get back to me Tuesday, like my toilet had overflowed or something.
I told him to watch the news.
Crews were everywhere by this time, waiting to get in.

Now, the fire department had caution taped the shit out of the entire block,
and they were doing some cleanup on the street, so we had to prove we were the owners to even be allowed near the place.

I was inside for about 30 minutes when a scruffy, middle aged man walks into the store and starts looking around.
He’s shaking his head and doing that tisking sound.
I’m on my phone, looking for a flood cleanup company, but I ask him what he’s doing.
He keeps looking around with his hands on his hips.
Then I ask him nicely to “get the hell out”.
As he’s leaving he mumbles something like “your insurance is never going to 
understand and pay you for your this stuff, it’s too esoteric”.
My husband and I say at the same time “hey, what did you say”?

He explains that they’ll deny the claim because flooding is subjective, and even if they don’t, they won’t pay. 
He says I’m in for a long fight.
He recommends I call a Public Adjuster. They will take over everything and deal with the insurance company. For a fee of course.
What?!
It’s now after 7 and I’m starting to feel panicky.
I’ve never even heard of such a person, and ask him for a recommendation.
He used a certain company and gives me the name, but he says there are several
And I should call a few.

I’m writing furiously on some wet muddy paper, and when I look up…he’s gone.
I run out to get him so he can tell the other merchants what he just told me.
He’s nowhere to be found.
When I describe him to the fireman they have no idea who I’m talking about!

Several friends I’d called to come get a load of what’s happened, had to call me to come get them past the security line, but somehow this guy showed up and gave me the information I needed.
I enie , meenie, miney, moe and pick one company out of the three names I found.

Gary was there in an hour, fired the cleanup crew that was walking around clueless, hired some pros that specialize in art and antiques and got the whole thing under control.
He was professional and comforting, and knew exactly what to do.
Ten percent sounded like a bargain, I would have paid him a million dollars at that point.
For the first time that day I took a deep breath, and started to cry.

Oh, and my scruffy, middle aged angel? He was exactly right! When the adjuster came on WEDNESDAY!!….he denied the claim.
He said “flooding” was open to interpretation, and I didn’t have flood insurance anyway.
But that was okay, I had Gary.

We were in for a long fight.

Xox Janet
(To be continued)

Sometimes we have no idea what the Universe has in store for us.
We can have our sails aimed into the wind, sailing full speed ahead,
when in an instant, lightening will strike, and a giant wave will capsize
us and shred our boat.

We think we have it all figured out. I KNOW I did!

But life took me by the shoulders and spun me around.
Just like my mom did when I was a kid and told her I had washed my face, when it was evident I needed to be sent back to the bathroom.
It shook me a little and sent me packing, 
in the exact opposite direction of where I thought I should be going.

Now, I don’t know about you, but I can tolerate, 
even appreciate, a little course correction at times.
But I don’t like drama, and I like to think I don’t draw it in.
This was something so ridiculously out of left field, 
It was a total loss of my business!
Overnight!

I had plenty of insurance, so I wasn’t worried…in the beginning.
With the other stores having 12 inches of water damage and my store having 4 feet,
Recovery mode looked different for me.
It wasn’t clothes and shoes that had gotten wet,
Or cosmetic damage like at the restaurant,
I had furniture and art, lamps and leather chairs and stuff that just shouldn’t sit 
Immersed in four feet of filthy water for 6 hrs.

I heard everyone saying “at least three weeks to get back up and running”
Did I want to get back up and running?
Things really hadn’t felt like they were “running” at that point,
More like a slow stroll, or a pathetic commando crawl.
Would I even be able to repair the inventory?
Lord knows, I didn’t have the capitol to buy more.

That’s when the first of two miracles occurred.
I even knew they were miracles at the time, THAT’S how 
“In your face” they were.

Xox Janet
(To be continued)…

I owned a business.
It was several years ago now.

I left a good job that I had been at for close to 20 yrs.
I put all my proverbial eggs in that one basket.
My money, my creative juices, my blood sweat and tears.

I was excited at the prospect of being my own boss,
Of displaying my wild ideas for all the world to see,
using the skills I had acquired throughout my life.

I felt vulnerable, really vulnerable for the first time in my life.
I was putting myself out there on the big stage, with no excuses.
This was going to be a reflection of me, everything I loved, 
Cared about, and thought was cool.

This was it!
I was 50 and this was the beginning of my beautiful “second act”.

The first year was awesome!
It was tons of hard work with no days off, but I was okay with that.
This was my baby.
It needed me to nurture it, to make it my only focus,
And all was well.

The following year was 2008.
Things got dicey.
There was a feeling of dread in the air, like everyone was silently
waiting for the shoe to drop, holding their breath.
Money slowed waaaaaay down.

Then it was 2009 and the entire closet of shoes dropped.
It was loud!
The bottom seemed to fall out of everything.
People were scared. 
I’d never seen anything like it in all my years in retail.

Everything that was creative and wonderful and fun was gone.
Replaced by unpaid bills, days of not a single customer,
and sleepless nights with me wondering how I got myself into this!
How had I taken such an abundant, wonderful life and created 
This perfect sh* t storm !?

Then in September of that year God took pity on me,
She heard my prayers.
But God has a wicked sense of humor, and a flair for the dramatic.
She sent a flood.
A random, urban flood to sneak up in the middle of the night and wipe out my store.
I’m serious.
The fireman at the scene told me he had never seen water make a hard right turn.
But it did, and it all collected around and inside my sweet little store.
The one that was trying so hard, but just couldn’t stay afloat ( sorry for the pun).

This is the first time I asked myself the question:
Epic fail? Or epic win?
What do you think so far?

Xox Janet
(To be continued)…

This very thought has been a life preserver in a sea of dread that tries to drown me in the middle of the night.
I have the choice to either believe that my best days are behind me, which can let all the air out of my life, or… to anticipate many wonderful days ahead.
Which do you choose?

XoxJanet

I was lucky enough to be present at the announcement today , that Marianne Williamson is running for the US Congress!! But to get us in the right mood, Alanis Morrisette started things off with a couple of songs, all acoustic. I hadn’t heard this song in a long time and the words really resonated. My friends and I cried thru the whole thing!!
Xox Janet

How ’bout getting off these antibiotics
How ’bout stopping eating when I’m full up
How ’bout them transparent dangling carrots
How ’bout that ever elusive kudo

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

How ’bout me not blaming you for everything
How ’bout me enjoying the moment for once
How ’bout how good it feels to finally forgive you
How ’bout grieving it all one at a time

Thank you India
Thank you terror
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you frailty
Thank you consequence
Thank you thank you silence

The moment I let go of it was the moment
I got more than I could handle
The moment I jumped off of it
Was the moment I touched down

How ’bout no longer being masochistic
How ’bout remembering your divinity
How ’bout unabashedly bawling your eyes out
How ’bout not equating death with stopping

Thank you India
Thank you providence
Thank you disillusionment
Thank you nothingness
Thank you clarity
Thank you thank you

“Perfectionism is a self-destructive and addictive belief system that fuels this primary thought: If I look perfect, and do everything perfectly, I can avoid or minimize the painful feelings of shame,judgment, and blame.”

― Brené Brown, The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You’re Supposed to Be and Embrace Who You Are

After reading this book and hearing this woman, whom I deem A gift from God speak,
I had an “ah ha” moment about that torturous, addictive, up in the middle of the night, thing called perfectionism.

What Brene helped me to understand, was that perfectionism comes from that deep well of shame and inadequacy that we immediately go to when we feel we must impress. But who are we impressing?
That well has been filled by all our negative self talk, and is fed by the very thing that we feel we lack the most.

So we will overextend ourselves, often to the point of exhaustion, to overcompensate. That starts more shame and self judgement, and now those negative voices, they have formed a choir…. A very loud choir, and the well gets deeper and deeper.

Here is the question I’ve had to ask myself. Am I striving for excellence?
wanting to be the best ME I can be? Is that what fuels the desire to be perfect?
Or…is all this tail chasing going on because of what I want “THEM” to think of me?
AH HA! Right?!

I was often under the false illusion that I was just striving for excellence.
But your demons are great bullshitters. They’ll tell you anything to keep the game going, those rascals.

So , “who am I trying to impress”‘ is always the first question I ask myself
When I get that twinge toward perfectionism.

Because you know what?
The peanut gallery,
“THEY”
Are never satisfied.
If they are as judgmental as I am…I’m doomed!

I have to say that age has set me free.
Perfectionism was my judge and jailer much more when I was younger, and age has brought me a certain ability to relax into the fact that things are never going to be perfect, most certainly, myself.

Whew!! What a relief!!

XoxJanet