love

* I got this email from the Universe this morning (www.theuniverse@tut.com)
Feels like an affirmation about the tooth as a sign! Be on the lookout for yours!
Happy Monday!

Pssst… Hey, gorgeous!

Want to know a secret?

Everything in your life is a symbol,

A reflection. A clue. A reminder.

Of what you understand, and of what you don’t, made manifest.

Look to the beauty for truth. And to what hurts, for its beauty.

Your biggest fan,
The Universe

This solar eclipse energy is such, that many of us are re visiting situations for balance and final closure.
The “scratch your head” part of this is,
these are situations that are YEARS old.
These felt like that had been “put to bed” a long time ago,
but just like the toddler who appears in the hallway for one more drink of water at bedtime, 
“They’re baaacck”.

These are full circle moments.

One friend had an old boyfriend call the other day after several years,
Another, some old legal matters came up again, and me,
As you may have guessed, mine is dealing with the demise of my store four years ago.
Processing, processing, processing!
Shit!

This energy is about owning your own power
by first un burdening yourself of any secrets,
or unfinished emotional business.
Letting all your freak flags fly and just being authentic.
Telling your story AS IT IS,
Warts and all.

So here goes!
Here’s my full circle circumstance that happened this week.

In 2006 after I had quit my job, but before we had decided on a location for 
the store due to permit problems and delays, 
(which should have been my first sign to run for the hills)!
I got a tooth abscess.
Now I’ll tell you why this is an anomaly.
I’m anal about my teeth! No…that just doesn’t sound right!
But you get the gist.
I floss like I’m trying to start a fire, 
I brush whenever I can, 
I water pick,
Dental cleaning for me take 15 minutes, because plaque wouldn’t DARE
grow on these teeth!
I’m obsessed…maybe because my parents got me braces and I’m just so grateful.

Anyway, it was caused by a condition called resorption,
which is what makes the roots dissolve in baby teeth, so they fall out, 
but its rare in adults.
I had a molar that was convinced I was a six year old.

I had a root canal and a crown and yada, yada, yada.
But the molar next to it , in an act of solidarity for its friend, 
never let the gum between the two, where the abscess had been, close up.
No reason, just to mess with me.

So for the last 7 years I evaded infection, much to everyone’s surprise,
by being even more obsessed with that area,
shooting straight LISTERINE into it
Twice a day with the water pick.

Every checkup, my dentist would poke a sharp instrument in there to try and make it bleed, or just to see me jump, I’m nor sure.
And all was well…until last week.
Last week it became infected, and Thursday 
I had it pulled.
That’s a whole story in itself.
Note to self…get put to sleep next time.

Now, I’m a seeker,
I delve,
I ask questions of the Universe,
So I asked : what the hell is going on with this tooth?
And you know what I got?
“this is a physical manifestation of a full circle moment.”
WHAT!?
“No more indecision”

So I looked up teeth in Louise Hay’s little blue book,
And here’s what it said:

Teeth represent decisions.
Problems with teeth: longstanding indecisiveness. Inability to break down ideas for analysis and decisions.
As teeth are used to pulverize and pound food, teeth problems indicate difficulty pondering new information, ideas or situations. Hence, problems with the teeth indicate fear of making incorrect decisions. Remaining stuck.

And as we all know the last few weeks I’ve been yelling how I’m done with being stuck!!
How I’m striving to be more authentic by sharing my crazy journey in this blog.
So…there you go.

I’m sitting here with an ice pack on my cheek, marveling at 
God and her painful, yet powerful way of getting my attention,
And letting me know…. She heard me!
And I’m done!

Share your full circle moments!

XoxJanet 

How can we ever come to new insights or conclusions about our lives if our existing reality is never challenged?

That would be like only eating at the salad bar because you’ve never walked the whole buffet and seen the dessert cart.

We are creatures of habit,
Scared of any turbulence or bumps in the road.
But can we learn to appreciate, even welcome, the rainy days when we only prefer clear skys?

A certain amount of failure is necessary for success, because it sends us back to the drawing board.
When something’s not working, there is clarity in that realization.
A certain amount of discomfort is good for our souls.
We know we don’t want to do that again!
so it colors all our decisions.
Like Abraham says, who comes through Esther Hicks, 
“When you know what you Don’t want. You know what you DO want”.

I’ve come to this conclusion : 
that all the great gifts that have come to me in my life,
were born out of soul searching that was either precipitated by dissatisfaction
with the status quo, or….
I was dropped kicked by the Universe in the direction of a new life change.

Either way, it felt like shit.

So, Here’s my NEW conclusion:
Big change feels scary,
It feels awkward, and uncomfortable and uncertain.
Change is rude! 
It shows up unannounced, often at the most inopportune times, and tracks it’s dirty feet through your life.
It also does a number on your diet by making you eat raw cookie dough and cereal right out of the box!

So what does this all mean?
We can either hide under the bed,
Or …we can put our arms up, 
throw our heads back,
And scream bloody murder
As we careen toward our brighter future,
On the roller coaster of life,
In full surrender mode,
Knowing the Universe has our back.

Bad things happen to good people.
Horrible, unimaginable, things.

Those experiences can either break us,
Or make us.

Often the first thing to affect us is a profound crisis of faith.
How can we operate in a world where chaos reigns,
Where prayers seemingly go unanswered,
and often, endings aren’t happily ever after.

Failure,adversity,devastation and loss
Kick our butts another rung up the ladder to the divine.
On the way up, we accumulate the experience, compassion and empathy to
Reach out our hand and pull the next person up the ladder.
I often feel like the elephant being pushed up the ladder by the Universe,
Maybe that’s just me…

I believe we CAN rebuild our foundation.
We CAN regain our faith.

It won’t be quick, and it won’t be easy.
We’ll have to dig deep, way below the surface, 
to find who we at our core.
To open the drawer, and find our big girl pants among all those “pull ups.”

Do you have strength?
The strength to conjure tenacity?
Can that tenacity fuel a vision?
and can that vision carry you forward into the grace 
of the Phoenix, reborn from the ashes?

I think you do!! I have hope that all of us have the innate ability to right our own ships. 

Adversity is the direct route to that deep reserve of strength and courage you didn’t even know existed !
Just think about that…
Contentment and happiness do not lead us there,
Playing it safe certainly will not .

Expansion of our spirit does not happen up in an ivory tower.
We have to get down and dirty,
Get into the street fight that life often feels like,
Living as if a richer, broader, more expansive life depended on it!
Because it does!

Pol·ly·an·na
ˌpälēˈanə/
noun
1.
an excessively cheerful or optimistic person.

“Hi my name is Janet and I’m a Pollyanna.”
“Hi Janet”
Geez!

I’ve been called that name countless times in my life…
like its a bad thing.
I’ve been that way ever since I can remember.
Always believing that good would prevail, and that
every cloud has a silver lining.

I think when I was in line to come to planet Earth,
I was busy checking my lipstick or goofing around, because I never got the memo
about all the bad shit that could happen here!
I came for the adventure and the fun of it.
Never once did it occur to me that misery and loneliness,
sadness and depression would be part of the equation.

Therefore, when things happen that are terrible, or unjust, 
Or just plain sad, I have to admit…I’m still surprised.
And surprise can lead to disappointment, as I’ve found out.
And disappointment can be the key that let’s all the heartbreak in. 
Because that’s what happens to me, I become heartbroken.

So…what to do? what to do?

How do I integrate these two? 
The beautiful light that happens here.
And its companion, the “darkness”.

It’s continuing to be a process for me.
I was once told that when your light shines brightly
Some Will be attracted…
And some repelled.
I guess I thought that might apply to bad things too.
Maybe I could repel them somehow.
But why would I be different than anybody else?
No one WANTS pain!

But can I learn to reconcile the ups and downs,
The ebb and flow of life?
Can I be just as okay letting sorrow wash over me as joy?
Or will I choke it off, or stop it altogether because it’s just too damn 
Uncomfortable?

Accepting the bad with the good is my holy grail.
What if I didn’t dog-pile all the judgement on top of the unwanted
events that occur?
Maybe if I learn to throw my hands up and surrender to the pain
will help it move through easier.

My brain understands, my heart…not so much.

If this has been your struggle as well, what has worked for you?
Please share!

XoxJanet

My reasons for sharing all of this are two fold.
The first is purely selfish I must admit!
I still have a dark pocket of pain around this situation that holds me down.
And I’m finally done!

I’m done with the shame.
I’m done being scared.
I’m done feeling unworthy.
I’m done not trusting myself because I think I led ME astray.
I’m done punishing myself 
And I’m done being diminished.
And by that I mean living a small and non abundant life,
Because I think that’s what I deserve.

Here’s where the Epic Win comes in!

I NEVER would be writing this blog had things stayed the same.
This energy has been wanting a conduit for 20 years
and I wouldn’t allow it.

Not as a jeweler, because I felt safe, 
and not as a store owner because I never had a minute.
But the real reason was:
I wasn’t in enough pain.
There! I said it!
The pain made me do it!
And it’s been such a gift.

So now that I’ve found this outlet of writing, 
I wanted to share my feelings at the same time I was processing 
all the curious things that happened around the loss of my business.
It has been cathartic…and extremely uncomfortable.

Re living these events can bring me right back to the smells,
the sounds, and most importantly now,
now that I’m finally able to 
really process them…the feelings.

I was in “get it done” mode, so I stayed pretty numb.
I’m done with numb!
When you numb sadness you also numb joy.
That is a price I’m no longer willing to pay.

I’m not certain if it was just that it’s the same time of year, 
or that four years have passed,
Wow! It seems like a million…or the day before yesterday.
Maybe it’s my newfound commitment to vulnerability,
But I felt compelled to share this story via my blog.

What I know for SURE is we all experience a wake up call in our lives.
It can be disguised as an accident or an illness,
A panic attack at three in the morning,
a divorce or break up,
the death of a loved one, 
or a profound loss.
It leaves us open and raw and ready for change.

So there you go!
That’s the second reason.
Everyone’s life looks so shiny and perfect from the outside.
Mine does.
But here’s the thing, we all have our shit.
Really!
You are not alone!
Here’s MY expensive, crazy, messy, miracle inducing,
Wake up call.
It’s changed me in ways I can’t even express.

But it didn’t kill me.

I’m a grown up now, my eyes are WIDE OPEN, and that’s a good thing.

I feel endless empathy for people going through their hardships.
“Been there, done that” big hug.

I’m kinder, more compassionate and thoughtful.

I’m over pretending things are great when they’re not,
so I’m an open book, 
(much to my husband’s chagrin, because he’s still pretty private).

And I’m reaching out and helping people.
At least that’s my intention.
Thanks for indulging me,

Now tell me your Epic Fail/Epic Win stories.

Xox Janet

Let’s get to the Win! Right?!
I’m gonna tie it all up now in a nice neat bow.
Readers digest version.
Get the Kleenex.
Just kidding!

I sued and was sued every which way you can imagine.
And it is really not my nature!
I’m not the litigious type.
I’m the artsy fartsy type.
I’m a lover not a fighter.
I was a fish out of water…swimming with sharks.
I found myself wanting to blurt out in one of the numerous depositions,
“Can’t we all just get along”?

Some of the people that worked with me were great.
Gary and his company were great.
Others were not.
Let’s just leave it at that.
You know who you are.

There were no more miracles.
God had shown off early in the game,
With two back to back.
I was lucky to have those!
But the quota had been met, and now
She was uncharacteristically quiet.
She must have been working on more important matters,
Like world peace.

So I prayed for an answer.
Why me?
Silence
I prayed for relief.
There was none.
I felt ignored and alone.
When I felt emotion at all,
I felt rage. 
Now I realize she WAS there, she just wanted me to go inside.
To pull up my big girl pants, and find my own courage there.

After three years I eventually recouped 80% of the COST of my merchandise
And the lawyers took 40% of that.

I owe everybody In the world money, and I’m slowly paying them off.
I probably owe you some money…get in line!

I’m normally an optimistic, happy person.
My sister used to ask me “who blew sunshine up my ass”.
This had turned me into a sad sack.
I became super serious, with absolutely no sense of humor,
(Which really COULD have saved me)
I had absolutely NO coping skills whatsoever!

Some people handle adversity with strength ,wisdom and grace.
That was NOT me.
I wanted to go live under a bridge with the trolls.
I hated answering the phone or looking at mail,
It always seemed to be bad news.

But…I’m SO lucky!
Honestly!
I always had a roof over my head and plenty of chocolate to eat.

My husband never left me, which was a miracle, given my disposition
And the fact that 2009 sucked for his profession, construction, as well.
We made it through with our deep abiding love.
Oh come on! let’s get real! 
That and copious amounts of wine!

My friends and family have also been there for me, helping me feel
like I wasn’t a total deadbeat.
“Look, You took a shot at your dream” they said.
Secretly happy they still had their day jobs.

The bottom line is this:
I know things always work out for me.
I WILL pull a rabbit out of my hat!
This transition feels big, and beautiful and perfect.
So I’m now looking forward to the next chapter,
And I’m starting to believe that the best times of my life are ahead of me.

I’d say that’s an Epic Win!

Xox Janet