Ohhhhh. SNAP! That one’s deep.
I’m gonna think about THAT all day!
Caught ya thinkin’…
Xox
DISAPPOINTMENT
dis·ap·point·ment
ˌdisəˈpointmənt/
noun
the feeling of sadness or displeasure caused by the nonfulfillment of one’s hopes or expectations.
(I was looking for an appropriate graphic for a post about disappointment and this one made me laugh – out loud – that’s good enough for me!)
Disappointment. Ugh. That feeling in the pit of your stomach that confirms your most deeply buried fear, that that thing, person, or situation you want SO badly isn’t going to materialize.
Well shit. I know most of the world believes this:
“Don’t expect too much from life, then you won’t be disappointed.”
I’ve been guilty of lowering my expectations, afraid that they couldn’t possibly be met; so you can imagine my surprise when on occasion – they’ve been surpassed.
Not all the time, I’m still a member of the human race, but years ago I heard this quote and it gave me…hope.
“Disappointment means you are taking score too soon.”
Abraham-Hicks
You see, I am a HUGE score-taker. I invented taking score and clock watching and all that frustrating behavior that kept me tied in knots for YEARS!
The above quote changed everything for me.
I realized that when I didn’t see what I wanted, I hadn’t given the person or situation enough time to enter my life.
Sometimes it took years! But looking back – damn the journey was a blast!
And that’s the point.
I wanted things fast. Like yesterday fast.
But the Universe knew the best route to my desire. One that I couldn’t always see.
You’ve heard of Divine Timing? Well, it takes time to line things up.
I needed to lighten the fuck up.
I could make the journey from want to fruition the scenic route, or the road to perdition.
I decided (and so should you) to wait with enthusiastic anticipation for the events I wanted to take place.
I cannot tell you how much that shifted the energy from fear of failure, to hope.
And isn’t that what we all want to feel about the things we desire? Hopeful? I do!
So the next time you feel yourself all twisted into a pretzel of impatience (been there, done that) remember:
“Disappointment means you are taking score too soon.”
It’s coming. Everything you want. It’s the scenic route, enjoy the ride.
Believe in Divine Timing.
Lighten the fuck up.
Love you,
Xox
“I’m warning you – I’m foul today. Stay clear!”
That’s what I did for years. I’d make that announcement as I walked into work; OR if it was the five minutes I had a boyfriend, I’d give the poor guy a chance to make a clean getaway.
I thought I was doing the kind thing. For myself and others.
The trouble was, although I cleared the room of the usual, aggravating suspects, my path became littered with all the foul people who matched my mood.
Driving became a kind of “every man for himself” obstacle course of assbites. The air was peppered with f-bombs, the middle fingers flashing, not to mention all the chaos happening inside my own car.
Going to pick up lunch became a contact sport.
Elbow jabbing, snide remarks, and cutting in line. Never mind that when I got back to the office, the entire order was wrong. Of course MY salad was the one missing – but oh wait, thank God there are 5,000 packets of ketchup in the bottom of the bag even though no one ordered fries!
You get the gist.
After awhile – make that many years, I came to the realization that announcing “I’m a grade A, number one bitch today” wasn’t helping anyone, least of all myself. As a matter of fact it was setting a horrible tone for my day, and attracting to me every other bad day haver in the greater Los Angeles area.
You’ve got to be smarter about this, I thought one night, after getting both a ticket and a flat tire on the way home after one particularly bitchy day. There’s GOT to be a better way!
And there is. It takes a few minutes and a bit of commitment, but I can assure you – it’s worth it.
If for whatever reason I wake up on the wrong side of sanity, instead of just resigning myself to a day of disasters, I acknowledge the mood and then take a few minutes to shift it.
“I’m not at the whim of some unforeseen force”, I tell myself. “I’m in control here! Ahhhh, that feels better already.”
I start by putting whatever set me off into perspective. Nothing is so bad it can’t be fixed AND no amount of shitty is worth sacrificing an entire day. Seriously.
Don’t get too specific. First, take away the blame.
Instead, figure out how you’d rather FEEL.
If “he” pissed you off again, by breathing or wearing that face, take a minute to remember why you loved him enough to have him underfoot. Get back to that loving (or at least liking, place).
If you’re feeling under appreciated, think of the last time you told someone how much you appreciated their extra effort. It was probably during the Clinton administration – too long.
You see, that stuff goes hand in hand.
You want love – be loving.
You want appreciation – show it to those around you.
You want a helping hand – be generous to others.
You want to hear “Thank you” – say it more.
You want more money – spend some. (Counterintuitive I know, but it works)
You want the cramps to go away (or the headache, or the sore shoulder) – take some fucking Motrin, and quit complaining.
II can’t tell you how many times I went into work first, all twisted with cramps, and after the oxygen had left the room and everyone was sufficiently aware of my agony – THEN I took the appropriate medication.
(That’s what happens when you live alone too long; there’s nobody there to scream “enough!” and shove pain meds down your throat).
Don’t do that. It’s not nice. Your co workers aren’t paid enough to share your pain.
So loves, during this stressful next couple of weeks, don’t give into your foul moods. Consider this a warning. If you do, the angry, stressed out crazies will magnetize to you and make things worse.
I can promise you this from years of tireless research.
Eat a chocolate chip cookie (or 5), take a walk and look at the decorations and the holiday windows, tell someone you love them (and mean it), say “please” and “thank you” and watch it come back to you.
What you send out into the world – comes back to you. It’s the law.
Sending Big, big love your way,
Xox
Can I get an Amen?!
This blog is often based on rule #10.
Loves, enjoy your Monday.
Xox
sonder – n. the realization that each random passerby is living a life as vivid and complex as your own.
“You may appear only once, as an extra in the background of someone else’s life.”
Tourists are always taking pictures in LA, and I always think about that when I accidentally get caught in one of their photos.
I’m a nameless face in the crowd of their photo of Venice Beach…
Perspective – Makes you think, doesn’t it?
Happy Sunday!
xox
Holy Crap!
I came upon this essay by Brene Brown, whom I LOVE, and although I am familiar with the fact that she is a researcher, speaker and author – I didn’t realize her other talent – she is also a mind reader.
Read this and tell me she’s not thinking and doing EXACTLY what we’re all attempting to accomplish during the holidays.
Ohhhh Brene,
As a fellow (but now retired) perfectionist, over achieving ringmaster, I feel your pain.
xoxJ
The Show Must Go On But At What Cost?
by Brene Brown
Last year was the first time in a decade that I didn’t send Christmas cards. I probably received twenty emails from friends that started with, “Are you okay?” or “Did I piss you off?” The truth? I was exhausted and it was a tough holiday. As much as I love sending and receiving cards, I just couldn’t pull it off. I was thinking about it this morning as I was working on my ten-page holiday to-do list and I remembered a post I wrote in 2009. I laughed as I read it . . . “Researcher, heal thyself.” I thought it might be fun to share it again this year. I clearly need the reminder.
Repost from November 2009
I have a terrible memory from last Christmas that I’m planning to use as a touchstone to help us create a merrier holiday this year.
I was sitting at my kitchen table addressing 225 Christmas cards, Charlie was crying in his room because I told him that I couldn’t read “the reindeer book” to him until I finished the cards, and Ellen was upset and sitting alone in the dark living room because it was once again too late to start a “Polar Express” family movie night. I don’t remember the detail of Steve’s whereabouts, but I think he was out doing last-minute teacher gift shopping.
At some point the sulking and crying was too much so I stood up and yelled, “I’m sorry. I HAVE to finish these cards! They’re not going to address themselves! Everyone wants to send them but I’m the one who has to make it happen!”
The house got very quiet.
I wish I could tell you that wisdom washed over me and I put the cards away. I’d love to end the story by writing, “I gathered my children in my arms, we drank hot cocoa, and I read from one of our lovely Christmas books.”
Nope. I was like, “Thank God. It’s quiet.”
I remember telling myself, “Oh, well. The show must go on.”
And it did. The cards went out. The presents were wrapped. The cookies baked. We were at everyone’s houses as scheduled.
It was exhausting and I was just waiting for it to be over.
Don’t get me wrong – I wasn’t the victim of this holiday circus, I was the ringmaster.
We live in a world where life can easily become pageantry, and the best performers make it look balletic and effortless. Of course, there’s no such thing as an effortless holiday show. If you sneak a peek behind most people’s red velvet curtains at holiday time, you’ll often see houses brimming with anxiety, maxed-out credit cards, crying children, and marriages that make the cold war look warm and fuzzy.
I’m convinced that the only way out of this is by cancelling the show. Not canceling the holiday, but giving up the show.
For us, that means making some changes. We do love our holiday cards, but this year we’ll make a party out of addressing envelopes and I won’t insist on doing it myself so it’s “right.” PS – If you’re on our list, your cards will arrive sometime between mid-December and Valentine’s Day.
After 20 years of drawing names at our big family holidays, we’ve decided to only buy for the kids and to keep the gifts small and meaningful. We’re also going strictly homemade (us or Etsy) for teacher and neighbor gifts. And, most importantly, we will make a list of all of the holiday family things that we want to do together and those will take priority.
Rathering than always insisting that, “The show must go on!” I’m going to ask these two questions: “Is this a part of us or part of the show?” and “Does it really need to go on?” I think our holiday will be better for it.
When our lives become pageants, we become actors. When we become actors, we sacrifice authenticity. Without authenticity, we can’t cultivate love and connection. Without love and connection, we have nothing.
The phrase, “The Show Must Go On” originated in the 19th century with circuses. If an animal got loose or a performer was injured, the ringmaster and the band tried to keep things going so that the crowd would not panic.
This year there will be no band. No ringmaster. We’re going to say “yes” to small and quiet and “no” to the three-ring circus. That’s not to say that there won’t be panic and loose animals. That’s a given around here.
BB
I’m kinda loving life right now, and I’m proudly, and publicly unapologetic.
Nothin’ special happened.
Maybe it’s the time of year, or a string of good hair days – I’m not sure. All I can tell you is that although it appears as if the entire world has gone to hell in a hand basket…life is good.
And it’s good for you too – really.
Every morning the sun comes up and gives us another chance. Another day to make things right, to make a difference, to love and be loved. I’m sorry. I know it’s not hip to think so; but that’s fucking AWESOME.
Here are just a few of the things that fill me with appreciation.
My health
My hubby (he’s a saint)
I’m at a quandary here, I don’t want to put my beloved dogs before my husband, or after my family…they ARE family, so..
My family (which includes my dogs)
My amazing friends (old and new)
Writing (non-fiction, fiction, essays, the whole caboodle)
My morning walks and hikes with Sally (some of them, the ones that don’t hurt)
Christmas carols (belongs in my Hall of Fame)
Diamonds (they are my best friends)
The fact that I live in Los Angles California, USA.
The fact that I can write this blog without fear of reprisals or repercussions (except maybe occasional embarrassment)
Chocolate (I know it’s high on the list, don’t judge)
Our motorcycle trips
Being inspired (by people, what I read or see or taste or…)
Singing (Karaoke with Orna)
Coffee
The smell of Christmas trees, pine scented anything
Driftwood
Laughing, humor, being silly
False eyelashes (I’m obsessed)
Airplane travel – all travel really
Red nail polish, well…all nail polish
Movies (at the theatre, I love the surround sound and the big screen)
Rainy days
Fires in the fireplace
Hummingbird nests
The color blue
Peanut butter (chunky of course)
Lazy Sunday afternoons reading (just a memory these days)
My garden (nature in general)
White twinkle lights
Tears of joy
The smell in the house on Thanksgiving or any time Raphael cooks
I’d love you to share some of yours! Come on! Be as un-cool as me!
Xox
Have you ever entered a room only to be overcome by its personality?
You know – you’re living your life, having a pretty good day; your coffee is hot, the traffic was cooperative, and as you enter your work environment for the morning meeting… SHAZAM!
You’re hit head on by the personality of a crisis.
A late delivery, a screw up, all the computers are down; in other words, some kind of seemingly unfixable, colossal, earth shattering, crisis.
If a room could manage it, it would be running around in circles, with its hair on fire, shrieking – because that’s exactly what it feels like when you walk in.
So then what happens to you?
Right!?
I know – me too.
It’s happened to me more times than I can count (when it goes beyond fingers and toes, I just stop).
Yep, that’s right, doesn’t matter how high you’re flying, that room and its personality facilitate an energetic face-plant, and before you know it you’re shrieking, running in circles and pulling out your own flaming hair.
If you have the presence of mind, the minute you open the door and feel the yuck, turn around and make a clean getaway, before any of it gets on you.
Call from the corner and tell them you can’t come in – save yourself.
Or if you’re Yoda, Buddha, or Gandhi, you can stand in the middle of the turmoil, keep a cool head and attempt to stop the madness by your example.
Then get the hell out of there before they all start throwing things at you – like scissors and inkjet printers.
It is the rare individual who is immune to the personality of a room.
I can be in a great mood and if my husband comes home and he’s grumpy, surly and out-of-sorts, it changes the personality of the entire HOUSE...and down the rabbit hole I go.
But you know what? There is a silver lining. The opposite is true as well.
I’ve been foul. All dark and twisty; and walked into a room or a store where good music is playing (Christmas carols do it every time) and people are laughing and joking around and before I can say “Hey! I’m trying to be in a bad mood here!” It all gets turned around. The personality of the room sweeps me up in its arms and tickles me (that rascal) and I find myself smiling.
I don’t care what religion you believe in, try to watch the above video and not be moved.
Can you imagine? Racing to the mall, battling the crowds, and then being met by the personality of THIS room?
What an amazing surprise! Just TRY to stay Grinchy.
Plus if you know me, you know I love a good flashmob, choirs, Christmas, and shopping.
This is the feel good mothership – for me.
Xox
..or late at night.
I want to start a feature called What The Hell Wednesday, where we marvel at the extraordinary things that happen – on a daily basis – in our lives.
Are you in?
Great!
Okay. I’ll start.
Over Thanksgiving weekend our old doggie had another seizure (two in ten days).
Since the vet was closed for the Holiday, and Dita seemed to recover in under ten minutes (tail wagging, ball in her mouth), we decided to forgo an emergency visit, observe, and wait until the vet re-opened.
On the outside that’s what it looked like we were doing, but on the inside we were freaking out, consumed with worry, thinking this could be “goodbye”.
You see, our previous dog had a seizure, followed by another every day, until we had to put her down. All within a week. My husband and I both have post traumatic seizure syndrome.
That night, while acting cool, calm and collected (for Dita), I laid in bed and awfulized, working myself into a tizzy (albeit a quiet one).
My thoughts were racing. Don’t kid yourself, you know how this ends was what that practical bastard in my head kept repeating over and over.
Fears greatest hits – on an endless loop.
My husband had anesthetized with pie. I was not so lucky.
I meditated. I listened to my tapes. Finally it got so bad I asked for help.
Please, you’ve gotta help me with this, I write about gaining control over fear, but I’m spiraling over here.
I must have pleaded for a minute or two when a very calm voice came through: It’s not like the other dog, they’ll be able to control it with medication.
Uh, okay. They can do that? With dogs I mean? They have meds for seizures?
It’s not like the other dog, they’ll be able to control it with medication.
But what if…
It’s not like the other dog, they’ll be able to control it with medication.
That’s all they said, exactly those words, over and over, until I calmed down and went to sleep.
A couple of days later, at the vet, after numerous blood tests and X-rays; as he brought the old girl back into the room, I KNEW what the Vet was going to say; I’d even told my husband.
“It’s not cancer like your other dog, we can control it with medication.”
I swear. Verbatim.
Asking for help, then listening for the answer=good.
Spiraling out of control=not so good.
AND even if things look the same, they are not!
What The Hell! I LOVE when that happens!
Now it’s YOUR turn. Please share your best WTH story in the comments below. I know everyone would love to read them – especially ME!
Big Love,
xox
Hi Loves,
Have you been feeling held back lately? – dragged back down by the ankles?
Or… are you holding somebody back?
Read this short essay by Liz Gilbert about her insights, and those of Rob Bell. This is by far the best explanation of the crab bucket analogy that I’ve read.
xox
Take it away guys!
THE CRAB BUCKET
Dear Ones –
A few months ago, I was on stage with Rob Bell — minister, teacher, family man, great guy — and a woman in the audience asked him this question:
“I’m making all these important changes in my life, and I’m growing in so many new and exciting ways, but my family is resisting me, and I feel like their resistance is holding me back. They seem threatened by my evolution as a person, and I don’t know what to do about it.”
Rob said, “Well, of course they’re threatened by your evolution as a person. You’re disrupting their entire world view. Remember that a family is basically just a big crab bucket — whenever one of the crabs climbs out and tries to escape, the other crabs will grab hold of him and pull him back down.”
Which I thought was a VERY unexpected comment to come from a minister and a family man!
Rob surprised me even more, though, as he went on to say, “Families are institutions — just like a church, just like the army, just like a government. Their sense of their own stability depends upon keeping people in their correct place. Even if that stability is based on dysfunction or oppression. When you move out of your ‘correct place’ you threaten their sense of order, and they may very likely try to pull you back down.”
And sometimes, in our loyalty to family (or in our misplaced loyalty to the dysfunction that we are accustomed to) we might willingly surrender and sacrifice our own growth, in order to not disrupt the family — and we will stay down in that crab bucket forever.
Friend groups can do this to each other, too. My friend Rayya Elias was a heroin addict for many years, and she saw the same phenomenon at play with her friends in the drug world: One junkie would try to get clean, and the others would instantly pull her back down into addiction again. I’ve seen it happen, too, when friends try to sabotage another friend’s efforts to lose weight, or quit smoking, or stop drinking, or get in shape. (The mentality being: “If I can’t out of this crab bucket, NOBODY is getting out of this crab bucket.”)
When I first got published, I was working as a bartender, and when I shared my happy news with co-workers, one of the managers said, in real anger, “Don’t you DARE go be successful on us. That was not the agreement.” (And, silently, I was like: “The agreement? What agreement?”) That person never forgave me, actually, for aspiring to climb out of that crab bucket.
Not every family (or family-like grouping) is like this, of course. Some families encourage their members not just to climb, but to soar, and sometimes even to fly away. That is true grace — to want somebody to grow, even if it means that they might outgrow you.
But others will try with all their might to hold you back, to pull you down into the crab bucket again and again.
If that is happening in your life, you must identify it and resist it.
Don’t let them stop you from growing.
As Rob Bell said beautifully: “If people love you, they will want you to grow. If somebody doesn’t want you to grow, you can call their feelings about you by many names…but you cannot call it love. You can call it fear, you can call it anger, you can call it control issues, you can call it resentment…but nobody has ever held anyone back because of love.”
Dear Ones, if it’s time for you to grow, you have to grow.
If it’s time for you to change, you have to change.
If it’s time for you to move, you have to move.
If it’s time for you to finally crawl out of that crab bucket, start crawling.
Holding yourself back in order to make other people happy will not serve you, and — ultimately — it will not serve them, either.
Be loving, be compassionate, be gracious, be forgiving. But if it’s time to be gone, be gone.
(And needless to say, if you are the crab at the bottom of a bucket who is holding another crab back from escape, it might be time to summon up all your love and all your courage and gently, generously, LET GO. It won’t be easy, but it might be the most important thing you ever do.)
ONWARD,
LG
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