Swiping Left ~ An Exercise in Self-Preservation
“If you sucked all the thoughts out of your head, you’d find nothing but peace.”
~ Jill Whalen
Swiping left is the new “talk to the hand”. At least it is for me.
(I know “talk to the hand” is so prehistoric that if it were a meme it would be that meme that made us all laugh our asses off last week—but now, when we see it, it only makes us cringe.)
So it’s the new “Bye, Felicia”… I know.
It’s get lost and kiss my ass all rolled up in the simple flick of the wrist. What more could you want from life?
So I’ve made it a practice to mentally “swipe left” when I’m searching for peace of mind by feeling dismissive.
Dear 4,768th Blue Host renewal notice. I get it. You expire in March. Calm the fuck down — I’m swiping left.
Dear shitty thought in the middle of the night (which I can’t remember —but was epically terrifying). You know who you are. The one that woke me up and got me all sweaty in the pits and girly bits — I’m swiping left.
Dear sun-in-my-eyes while I write this because it’s winter and shade is nonexistent because the trees have no leaves and the sun is so low it feels like it has to try harder — I’m swiping left.
Dear Starbucks app. Sometimes I want to kiss you on the lips, but mostly you suck. Is this only in LA? — I’m swiping left.
Dear mirror, mirror on the wall. WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?! — I’m swiping left.
Dear static electricity. You made my dress stick in my ass all day and you shocked me with such ferocity you nearly blew off the tip of my finger — I’m swiping left.
Dear Siri, you are useless and annoy me to no end — I’m swiping left.
Dear wine. Why have you forsaken me? — I’m swiping left.
Dear estrogen. Same question. — I’m swiping left.
Dear whiff of a thought of swimsuit shopping for my sixtieth birthday trip to a spa. You are one sadistic bitch — I’m swiping left.
Dear gnarly protein drink that was supposed to taste like a Frappuccino. Just so you know, false advertising is a criminal offense — I’m swiping left.
Dear everybody in Washington D.C., I will continue to look at you through my fingers like I do when I watch a horror movie. You are all scary as fuck — I’m swiping left.
You guys have got to try this. It really works.
Swiping left on Y’all now,