My Liver Has Gone Rogue, My Liver Is Sid Vicious

My Liver Has Gone Rogue, My Liver Is Sid Vicious

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I’ve recently started a liver detox. 

All the cool kids are doing it, so when the bandwagon came by, I jumped on board.

It was actually circling, in my orbit for a couple of weeks with several people mentioning that they were currently doing it, or that I should try it; which makes me wonder if my liver was sending out silent signals to strangers that it needed rehab.

My liver has gone rogue.

My liver is fucking Sid Vicious.

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I was warned that anger could “come up” as a result of detoxing the liver and Sid being the furious malcontent that he is, did not disappoint.

I have an edge

My mouth wants to start a war, leaving land mines of vitriol in its wake, dropping F Bombs from the sky.
My mouth, it’s safe to say, is going to get me in trouble.

I’ve been a complete ass to everyone – but I swear it’s the juice.

Here’s the skinny according to Chinese medicine:

Anger is associated with the liver.
By its nature, anger causes qi to rise, leading to a red face and red eyes, headaches, and dizziness. This matches the pattern of liver fire rising. Anger can also cause liver qi to “attack the spleen,” producing lack of appetite, indigestion, and diarrhea (often experienced by those people who argue at the dinner table or eat while driving).
In a more long-term view, suppressed anger or frustration often causes liver qi to become stagnant; this might result in depression or menstrual disorders.

*It is interesting to note that people who take herbs to release stagnant liver qi often experience bouts of anger as the stagnation is relieved. The anger passes as the condition clears. (Whew) Similarly, anger and irritability are often the determining factor in diagnosing liver qi stagnation.
Many people are relieved to know their rage has a physiologic basis. (relieved, really?)
It is essential to avoid drinking coffee when treating anger-related liver disorders, as coffee heats the liver and greatly intensifies the condition. (Well, that just pisses me off)

When I gave a shot glass of said juice to my husband, his hackles went up, and he shouted out to the kitchen in his best bad husband voice, “don’t give me that shit to drink EVER AGAIN”.

“Hey, take it easy pal.”

I’m telling you, it’s that juice.

So here’s the deal, it’s not one of those heavy-duty, doctor prescribed, Gwyneth Paltrow “conscious cleansing” detoxes.
It’s super simple.

I was told to mix together in a small glass:
pure unsweetened organic cranberry juice
2 tsp of Organic apple cider vinegar
Juice of half a lemon

Then bottoms up.
The bitterness and alkalinity help to balance the enzymes inside the…………
Sorry, give me a minute – – auto-correct just made me mad.

Everyone said I would feel great.
I would start to crave kale and exercise and I would hear angels singing.

Three days. Nothing.

I crave ice cream, movie marathons and yodeling.

Sid is being extremely uncooperative, as often happens with these detoxes. He’s acting like a punk.

My liver doesn’t want to get clean, it wants to play pool, do Jell-O shots and go to the track.

I’ll let you know how this thing progresses, maybe by next week I’ll be able to give it my ringing endorsement.
I’ll be a new woman. (Meh.)

Maybe you should try it and let me know how it goes with you?

FINE, then don’t. See if I care.

Sorry.

Damn that juice.

Attempting to send love,
Xox

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2 Comments
  • Janet, this is wonderful! Brilliantly written, so much fun. So how long are you supposed to keep drinking this bile – oops, I mean, liver juice? And is that all you have all day, or do you eat food, too? Can’t wait to hear more. Hugs, A.

    • jbertolus says:

      Thanks A! The goal is two weeks. Ugh. One or two shots of the concoction a day, first thing in the morning and before dinner is recommended. You can eat, just supposed to cut out coffee and alcohol.
      So, as you can imagine, I stopped over the long weekend, and was much more pleasant to be around. Started it back up today…vile. 😉
      XoxJ

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